Until Then.
The reason for her being in this hallway was lost.
Coffee made things little clearer; ‘cept to enhance
Dream tossed rehearsals from before it was light,
They’d kept her awake for much of the night.
What was knowledge, before she’d undressed, was no riposte
To sleep drained scenarios of what she might hear,
On dialling his number, of the words he might say:
Her well shaped truths were fast slipping away.
They’d hide in her memory, ‘mid shape-shifting shadows,
That weaved cloaks over all, penumbras of silence
Remaking her history hidden from sight -
It made no difference if she were right.
You see, she could not deny that, trapped in her mind
Was her recollection, a nostalgia so real
For the way (her brain said), the way they would play:
Remember that? How could he ever stray?
This obfustication made her wait before she’d ring.
Pinch the bridge of her nose say her lines half out loud,
Confrontation had never been her strong suit,
Again she doubted her grounds for dispute.
She stamped her foot in response, smiled at the petulance.
But assuring adrenalin flew through her veins
Made her reach for the handset, before too late,
O’ercoming her red-eyed, native restraint.
She conjured the number, his personal cabbala
Summoning him up in dry mouthed dread, then he said,
"Hello," and the rest of a neutral salute,
But his voice droned on over hers – the brute!
She blushed at her mistake; the answering machine clicked,
Its silent tape listening till she put it to death
A receiver to the heart of her old saint
The soundless message for her one time mate.
Adept at self deception her ego hid feelings
Protecting her from them by making her afresh,
With one ingredient less. Courage, it thought
Won’t be missed, she never does what she ought.
Then reflexes got the better, her hands reaching out,
Automatons dialling, she waited patiently.
All she remembered was ending with, "till then."
But she knew she’d not see herself again.
